Abuse

Written By Schuyler Esen

My therapist told me, "When you recognize an abuser for who they are, you can never unsee the abuse."

This means the people who have escaped abusers and healed from abuse KNOW how to spot an abuser. Consider it a superpower we're gifted with for our troubles.

In the past, I have said things like, "Oh, I'm just traumatized from what I’ve been through, it's probably nothing." But that's not true. Yes, I am traumatized from the abuse in my past, but my intuition has only strengthened to protect me. My intuition is stronger, more vigilant, and seldom wrong when it comes to spotting abuse or abusers.

My therapist said I, like her other patients, can FEEL an abuser the moment they walk into a room. It's because we know. We'll never not know. Abuse changes people. It rewires our nervous system.

I am forever changed because of my past. After I escaped, and I was safe for a while, I started the healing process of letting go, moving on, and forgiving. But I will never again tolerate abuse from anyone. And I shouldn't have to. You shouldn't either.

The following 3 lists are some warning signs I want you to consider both for yourself and others:

Types & Degrees of Denial:

  1. First degree: Denial that the problem, symptom, feeling, or need exists.

  2. Second degree: Minimization or rationalization about it.

  3. Third degree: Admitting it, but denying the consequences.

  4. Fourth degree: Unwilling to seek help for it.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201912/are-you-overlooking-or-rationalizing-abuse-thats-denial

11 Behavioral Signs of Emotional Abuse (them):

  1. Shaming

  2. Blaming

  3. Criticizing

  4. Guilting

  5. Humiliating

  6. Ridiculing

  7. Dismissing

  8. Accusing

  9. Neglecting

  10. Monitoring

  11. Verbally Berating

10 Signs of Emotional Abuse in Yourself (you):

  1. Social Withdrawal

  2. Low Self-esteem

  3. Fear

  4. Adapting to other people's expectations (against your personal preferences)

  5. Losing your identity

  6. Dependence or codependence

  7. Voice & power (not using it)

  8. Shame

  9. Physical changes (you don't feel well, you're getting sick, ongoing conditions you can't get relief from)

  10. Psychological symptoms (depression)

https://psychcentral.com/lib/emotional-abuse-signs#signs-of-emotional-abuse

Abuse is not the problem. Abusers are. 

A tricky spot we find ourselves in as survivors is when we talk about our past. We tend to tell other people about the abuse we survived or are currently enduring. But, we must shift into holding the abuser accountable for their actions. It's tempting to dissociate the abuser from the abuse. But, They are the same. They are unsafe.

An example of this would be me saying,

“I was physically abused as a child.”

This is me playing into a victim mentality, where I am internalizing the abuse. It is abuse-focused. 

Now, compare the above statement to the following:

“My dad physically abused me as a child.”

It reads differently. Instead of feeling sorry for me, now you’re mad at my dad, as you should be. It is abuser-focused. This is the most important detail you care share–not what happened, but who did it. 

If you would like me to scare the shit out of you, I can. Think of any horror movie that involves demons. Who do the demons target?

  • The vulnerable 

  • The weak

  • The traumatized

  • “The other"

  • The women

  • The children 

  • The old

  • The ashamed

  • The guilty 

  • The poor 

  • The quenched

  • The starving 

  • The hopeless

  • The desperate

  • The fearful

  • The physically ill 

  • The mentally ill 

  • The spiritually compromised

  • The victims

This is because, at the end of the day, demons are bullies. And as far as I'm concerned, all bullies consort with demons and act on their behalf.

If you are the victim of bullying, you are undergoing spiritual, demonic warfare for your light. Set yourself free from demonic presence by seeking truth that is as vivid and obvious as the sun. Ask God to set you free and show you the truth. Call back your power. Stand in the light.

If you are suffering, you are suffering. But if you are suffering and you have children, your children are suffering much more than you. If only for them, get to safety, abundance, peace, and joy, and don’t stop until you get there. This may be the hardest fight you have ever had to fight, but you are not alone. You have God, your team of spirit guides, guardians, angels, and ancestors cheering you on. They are screaming for you, clapping, praising you for being brave enough to take the next step. You know which step it is. They are with you now. You are seen, you are loved, you are understood, and you are capable.

Call upon God and the resources the universe has available to you. You can do this. We are already proud of how far you have come, but don’t stop here. Keep going. Your inheritance from God is on the other side of this trial by fire. 

SE

Schuyler Esen
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